Who am I?

Before I started down this road, before I started this project I was a writer. My previous self wrote books, that previous self didn’t sell books though. That was the problem. Old me got caught up in the pain of working with no recognition and it made him feel like a failure. It’s difficult to work on a book for more than a year only to be rejected by every publisher and agent you submit to. Then to do it again five times and have the same result, it drove him to the edge.

I have to admire his persistence though, to keep trying and failing over and over. To try self publishing and sell nothing then do it again two more times, each time hoping it would be different. To spend hours on social media promoting. Hours writing and working on blogs, looking to make just one sale. All of it coming to nothing. Then to keep trying. I’m surprised he made it out alive.

Defeated and with nothing to show for six years of effort except some scars, a drug problem and a stint in recovery. The old me gave up. He broke down more than once, he came to the brink more than once, it is unbelievably painful to quit on a dream you’ve held your whole life. The old me had always wanted to be an author, real life made that an impossibility. Real life taught him that he didn’t have what it took to do that.

He gave up on all artistic pursuits after that. Trying and failing to start a business, trying and failing to become a programmer, trying and failing to pick up a shattered life. To shove the pieces of what had once been himself back into something close to coherent. It was going to kill him though, not creating.

Life became just a bland sameness. Every day working for enough money to keep living. No more dreams, no more goals, trying to force a square peg through a round hole, he kept it together as best he could.

Even the best built house of cards is still just a house of cards, and eventually a gust of wind will come along that can topple it. This time when the house fell down he didn’t have enough left to rebuild, couldn’t live the lie anymore. This time when reality gut punched him he couldn’t stand back up.

Instead he just stayed on the ground, a snivelling blob waiting to die. Nothing left, just a pile of unpaid debts and lost hope. There was no more light, no more hope, no more chance of getting better. There was nothing.

It was on a dark winter day, stuck in a greasy tube on his way to the mindless job that sustained his fat body that the project sparked in his vacant and roiling mind. The small spark that started the fire that thawed a part of his brain he had thought he killed.

The project was born. A mix of lifelong passions and new discoveries. A way to find meaning in the struggle of day to day existence in a world that seems like it is trying its best to be rid of us. Now here I am, reborn and on shaky legs but finally standing again.

The project, this experiment, this new calling pulled me from one of the deepest pits I have ever been in. It is not perfect and life still does its best to kick my ass but I struggle on. The project is a lot of work, a lot of effort and sacrifice. A lot of struggle, a lot of pain and blood and sweat and tears but it is mine and it is unique and it has become who I am.

The project cannot fail because it has no end. It requires no viewers, no readers, no other people. It only requires creation. It only demands to be shared. Sometimes I get lost, fall into old bad habits, old desires for silly things like money and freedom from the daily grind to live but eventually the project pulls me back.

It is not about money, it is not about fame and not about subscribers or viewers. It is about creation and about my pure art. It is about saving my life. It is about finding a purpose.

Cecond Percon is me, it is me reborn. Cecond Percon (pronounced: “Second Person”) is my second chance at forging the meaning I crave in life and I will not let it die.

If YouTube shuts me down I’ll move to Twitter or Facebook. If those shut me down I’ll post the videos here. Sure it will cost me a bit more but the project must keep going. If the internet stops then I will burn my films to DVD and air drop them around the city. This project will only stop if society stops. In a weird way that would be good for the project too because the project is about the end of society.

So, “Who am I?” I am Cecond Percon, I am alive again, and I am not going away this time. I refuse to fall again.