When I started this channel, this project, this art experiment I did so with the goal of uploading a film a day. I managed to stick to that for two hundredish days before it fell apart, before I fell apart. This past year was insanely busy for me with life and work and family and I guess it all caught up to me at once and I crashed and burned.
If you watch my stuff, I think it is pretty obvious that I struggle with depression. I was fighting against it for so long, using the project to keep me limping along. After some major life events I just didn’t have the energy any more. Add in the extra stress that comes along with a few medical problems, injuries and my landlord renovating my apartment then you get the daily uploads falling off.
There was also the fact that my content has not gained any real traction, so it gets discouraging. It’s hard to dedicate so much time and effort and see no real results. The joy of creating could not push hard enough against the burnout and depression. Maybe if I was seeing results, I would have been able to keep pushing but there was nothing happening.
Not to say that I have no viewers. There are a few of you out there that have found my content and are digging it and I have not forgotten you and it is for you small few that I feel guilty not creating. I was just starting to hate everything I was doing and getting down on myself and my art and I needed to take a step back. If I had kept pushing, I was going to have a meltdown and delete everything, sell my camera gear and totally give up.
I have done it before with artistic pursuits. I stop enjoying the process, see no one else really likes my work, decide my work is shit and destroy it in a rage. I didn’t want to do that with this project, so I had to stop for a bit.
Maybe if the rest of my life had been going along perfectly, I would have been able to keep going. Maybe if I had thousands of fans, I would have been able to keep going, but remove the joy of creation and add in a few other negatives and things were looking too grim. The smart decision was to stop.
With that all said, I need to start again. I miss it, I am craving creation and something other than the dull grey that is my average day to day. I have a few issues to deal with before I can put the time in but I feel the urge to start again. I have ideas stewing, I have the itch again, the time off worked.
I probably won’t be able to maintain the same posting schedule though because I have gotten involved with a startup and will need to dedicate time to that as well, but conversely, I think the quality of what I produce will increase.
So, rest assured, the project is not dead, it cannot die, it will not die as long as I am alive. There is work ahead but I can do it and there will be new stuff soon.
Thanks for reading and thanks for sticking around.