It has been a bit over a year since I started this project, this experiment, and to call it a success would be a stretch. Not only did I fail at my goal of daily uploads I also failed to find anything close to an audience. If I had to guess I think I have three people who watch my content on a somewhat regular basis. It is hard to find a reason to keep this up when it really does feel like I am just creating for myself.
That was why I stopped the daily creation. It was too stressful and no one really cared. It was driving me insane and for what? Some stupid promise I made to myself. When I stopped uploading only two people noticed. Those two people are subscribers I came across early on and who have stuck with me. I really appreciate those two people.
This project was started with some level of artistic vision and it has maintained that and I think improved in quality along the way. However, there seems little point to kill myself making this content when it really is only me watching it and occasionally two or three others.
I know I need to create for myself, and that is what I am doing. To be honest, the passion has kind of faded. It is hard work and I just struggle to justify it. I’m losing interest and I don’t know why.
Maybe it’s because no one else seems interested. Maybe it’s because deep down I can’t convince myself that what I am making is any good. Maybe it’s because I am just burnt out. Maybe I need to sleep more. I don’t know, but I struggle to keep this limping along.
It’s not like anything has come along to replace this passion. I just feel no energy for anything any more. Not my writing, not my filming, not my business, not my job, nothing. It is all I can do to get out of bed in the morning and get to work, and I only do that because I have to keep paying my bills. I don’t want to burden my family with my irresponsible spending.
To anyone reading this, thank you. Thank you for following and thank you for watching. I hope I can find the passion again, I want to find the passion again. I really do. Even if no one is watching it is good to have something in my life that I enjoy and that leaves me fulfilled. I miss having that.
I need help. I think I need help.
That’s one thing, this is my own space. I can rant here. Fuck, not like anyone is going to read it.