With punched out eyes and feeling half drunk I head forth trying to recapture something beautiful, trying to find the energy to face the eternity laid out before me. Trying to weather this endless storm.
Breaking down I vow to continue, not only continue but continue without the crutches I have been dragging for so long. Continue unburdened into the future that I forge for myself. Creating something new and horrifically beautiful.
I intend to drive onward into the dark despite knowing that I will never get out of it. Despite knowing that I cannot escape. My life is this, I am alone, and I will always be alone. I have accepted this.
Shuffling one foot in front of the other I will keep moving, eventually, hopefully, reaching my goal.
I fucking hate this city, I want to burn it down. Left alone on this rotten rock all I can contemplate is destruction. Pain, torture and blood.
I want to grow but stunt myself forever downward. I know that I cannot change.
Hitting myself again and again, black eyes hide the grey. Blood in my mouth, loose tooth, this is worth it. I deserve this, I am garbage. I am a piece of shit and I deserve nothing. I will struggle onward with this knowledge holding me down. I will struggle to stand and endlessly be pressed back down.
Tears in my eyes now, blade on my skin, when did I get a knife? Put it away, no damage done this time.
Here is the plan.
Start creating again. Daily odes to these monsters
Combine it all into a book.
Create, create, create.
Become the Cecond Percon that I know lies within me.
Destroy what is holding me back as best I can.
Smile at the darkness.
Ignore the too metallic taste of blood. Ignore the pain in my insides. Ignore the nagging doubt. Ignore it all, press forward. Get better.
Face the world with sober eyes. Accept the pain. Accept that I deserve it.