There is one person in my life who is the cause of all the suffering, all the loss and all the pain I have experienced, and that person is me. I hate that person. I have tried to make second (cecond) versions of me, tried to achieve something, tried everything and still can’t escape the pull downward that I have on myself.
I fucking hate me.
There is very little keeping me here. I think if the people I love knew how little keeps me from the edge they would have me locked up. Basically I am only still here because I don’t want to hurt the few people I love. But all those people will leave me eventually, either by death or by choice, and then it will be time. Finally time.
I just want to escape the pain. Can no longer see much point in putting one foot ahead of the other. Can see no point in prolonging this existence. I don’t know why the people that love me actually love me. I can’t see anything worth loving.
Washed up and wasted. The definition of failure, disappointment, loser. The definition of what not to be. All I manage is failure. Failure to such a degree that if you asked me to build a house I would accidentally demolish it and if you asked me to demolish a house you would end up with something being built. I would do this while trying my best to do what you asked me to do.
I was writing something to a person on reddit about why they should keep trying and keep going. In the post I detailed how much I have failed. The post was getting too long and I didn’t have room for everything. That set me spiraling down into this hole of depression.
I look back on my thirty years and see that I have never achieved anything. Every goal is just failure waiting to happen. Every dream has only drifted further away. I just want to stop existing but can’t.
I think I am going to have a lawyer write up a “do not resuscitate” order for me. Just in case something happens I don’t end up awake. That would be the ultimate slap life could give me. Something where I finally die but doctors manage to miraculously bring me back. Knowing my luck that is what would happen.
Ignore the point that non-medical DNR orders are impossible to get and not honored. Screw it.
Maybe I set goals too high, maybe I expected too much? Maybe I don’t know how to set a goal? I don’t know. I had the goal of joining the army, the army – the place people go when they have nothing else – and I got rejected. I was a top candidate, but a medical exam found one small thing that ended with that goal (dream) ending up shattered.
I will admit that my other goals may have been too ambitious. Publishing a book? What a joke, if writing five novels has taught me anything it is that I am a terrible writer. That was a tough one, a goal I had since I was ten. Another dream gone. That dream was ambitious though. I need to set my sights even lower.
I won’t bother detailing the dream of some kind of YouTube presence. I tried, did something different, but it was too different to get a broad audience and not good enough to get the audience I was targeting.
What about the goal of getting promoted at work? I know it is a day job, an office job, but I used to work hard at it. I used to think I was good at it. But eight years without a promotion taught me otherwise. I don’t even try anymore. I can’t keep trying to look good from my entry level position, everyone knows I am just a joke.
I thought that goal was pretty low considering the types of people that get promoted here but clearly not a low enough bar for the ultimate fuck up that is me.
Blogging? No too high. Starting a business (multiple times)? Nope, still too high. Investing? How the fuck did I screw this one up? Literally sold everything weeks before they doubled in value. I was so close but still managed to fuck it up.
I am honestly struggling to come up with a goal that I can actually reach. I have fitness goals but fuck those up. I have sobriety goals, but I am sure I will fuck those up too.
Maybe that is the only goal I can reach though. The goal of NOT doing something. Another day sober – hooray. Goal achieved (until it isn’t).
End of the day it all comes back to me. I can’t reach a goal because I am a fuck up. I always have been and always will be. That is where the substance abuse comes from, me coping with being a fuck up and me trying to convince myself I am not a fuck up (something I can only believe when I am high or drunk).
That is where I am right now, trying to come up with a goal that is a low enough bar that I can actually achieve while still feeling like I accomplished something.
Maybe I will make a new video soon. Probably not. I see no point any more. No one cares. I am just adding more garbage to the world.
Sorry for wasting your time.