Doomed

Completely given up and given in. That is what I have done, that is me. I just have nothing left. In the old times this would be called a mental breakdown. Now it is called “A major depressive episode”. I don’t care what you call it. I have just decided to give up. I can’t keep trying any more. Nothing will get better, nothing improves. It never does.

I am so stuck. Trapped in my own mind. That is the worst part. That it is not something I can escape. There is no way to escape your own mind. No way permanent at least. I can’t drink anymore and drugs always just caused more problems than they solved. So I sit, stuck. Stuck like this. Trying to find a way out but knowing there is none. Not for me.

All I can think of is how terrible I have been. How bad I am at everything. How I am sleepwalking through life. How this all will amount to nothing. How it is all a waste of time. How there is no going back but that is all I want to do.

Trapped. Like a rat or a bird. In a cage.

I had dreams once. They are dead and buried now. I had goals once, now my goal is to just make it through the day without getting fired. I need to pay bills still. I have people relying on me. I wish I didn’t, I can’t rely on myself.

When I was younger, much younger, and just as depressed I had never imagined I would make it this far. I had planned on being dead by now. Now I am here, still alive, still nothing, still just a bag of meat wasting resources on a finite planet. I can’t end it. I can’t hurt the ones that love me, the ones that still care.

I float in my agony filled mind. No escape in sight.

I can’t even publish this, people will worry.

Fuck. Noting makes me excited, nothing brings joy. Nothing I claimed to be passionate about even ignites a spark any more. It is all just going through the motions. I am so tired. I can’t even do that any more. I can’t pretend. I am sad. I am depressed. I am broken. I am nothing. I will always be these things. I wish there was something else out there. I just can’t stop seeing it for what it all is.

A meaningless nothing. Any meaning I make for myself is taken from me by my mind. I will never be happy. That is for other people. I just wish I didn’t have to drag others down with me. I just wish I could be less of a burden to them. I don’t know how.

This is the life I am doomed to live.

Doomed.

Lock me up,

pull the plug,

sell me for parts,

it is all I am worth.

I cut my own wings off.

Now I live alongside ghosts.

I want to feel something.

Something other than pain.

Shove me over the edge.

I can’t do this on my own.

I am not worth saving.

Not any more.

I think I am doomed.

There is no way back from this.

I ask for death.

Yet here I am.

Awake.

I tried to sell my soul once.

But hell was full.

I guess… leave a light on.

I am coming home.

Again.

The sun won’t shine any more.

Not like it ever did.

Please just pull the trigger.

Anything to stop this.

I think we are all doomed.

There is no way back.